Learning but not yet Learned

I just turned thirty-sven. It seems a little more real if I look at the actual number...37. It also seems like I should be all grown-up, have a balanced perspective of reality, be able to make and complete to-do lists, as well as be capable of expertly hosting a dinner party and folding a fitted sheet. Well. I merely stumble through the things on that list. I am stumbling around a lot these days. I can tell you with absolute confidence that under normal circumstances I would not stumble in these glorious, gaudy, almost tacky, yet lust-evoking shoes.

But...just like it doesn't seem normal to be (gasp!) 37, it seems weird that I haven't worn heels in at least a month. Ta da! Presenting my latest my undeniably tacky and thankfully asymmetrical footwear...

Thank goodness my work attire is scrubs which are so very baggy that the cast doesn't appear quite as bulky as it is; real clothes, not so much. I do try in vain to look decent in outfits. I am grateful that women still tote around purses the size of carry-on luggage.

People at work at so sweet. They bring me things and stuff and paper and bags. Pretty Girl is a sweetheart too. She keeps rubbing my cast and saying, "Does that feel better, Mommy?" I don't have the heart to tell her I can't feel her litte hands through these layers cotton and fiberglass tape.

This whole thing is definitely a new adventure for someone who has been accustomed to prancing and prissing around for the better part of thirty six years, and the truth is that I am terrified of my appointment Wednesday because I was supposed to be better at this point and yet I am not. Perspective arrived though when I got two unusual birthday presents that morning at work. Within an hour of my arrival I talked to two of my favorite patients. One survived a vicious attack losing part of the skull and the other has battled metastatic cancer for years. Neither have any sizable material possessions remaining and yet both never fail to express gratitude for merely being alive. They are not alive and well. But they are alive and have people who love them and whom they love dearly. And they are both grateful. This thing with my leg will pass. It is a minor inconvenience, I try to remind myself...like those kinda goofily cryptic bumper stickers, "Igbok": It's Gonna Be OK.