This Does Not Have a Unifying Theme

Remember how in high school you would have to make little index cards for research papers? I always procrastinated in a perilous fashion because it was a near impossibility for me to create a cohesive piece when all my thoughts were divided among 150 index cards.

This post would probably be graded harshly--at least for my use of "you" in the opening sentence. The other problem, of course, is the sans-unification and fragmentation-ness (oh yeah, red marks for making up words too).

Since I have writer's block (aka semi-boring week), I will now present some random information.

-Why is it that even though I love working out in the mornings, I still have to fight myself to lace up my sneakers and drag out the yoga mat? At 6:12 am, I am all yin-yang, yawning while desperately reminding myself of how great I feel post-crunch-and-bicep-curl.

-Do y'all have Comcast On Demand? If you go to "Sports and Fitness" then "Exercise TV," there are lots of workout options that change every couple of weeks. I am having a lot of fun selecting new things to do. It is oddly relaxing to watch other people work out.

-I haven't given up on Jillian, but one of my trainer buddies told me not to do lunges every day. Now I really look forward to the variety of the non-Jillian days. Thanks Comcast.

-Have you seen the "25 Random Things" tag on FB? I like reading what people choose to write about themselves. I have been tagged, and suddenly cannot think of anything. At all. Then, of course, I have the following now-not-so-secret fear: what if no one comments on my 25 Things? Am I then The Most Boring Person on Facebook?

-I am trying to find something to drink. Diet Dr. Pepper is now hurting my tummy and martinis are fattening and illegal at work. Water is boring-ish. I thought I found the magic combo: water with a touch of lemon. How was I rewarded for this ingenious idea? Heartburn. What do y'all drink? Water, Sweet Tea, Crystal Light, Cristal? Help a sister out.

-And lastly, while I'm pimping y'all for answers to the meaning of life...which celeb has the most imitation-worthy hair? I need a new 'do. I am completely bored with my hair and have no ideas. I do think a hair magazine entitled, "You are Thirtysomething and Have a Real Job, Now What?" would be a colossal hit. So far the only folks with professional looking hair that I can find are TV detectives and anchorwomen. Maybe the ponytail isn't so bad after all.

The Taboo Tummy

There are many things that can make me feel old. For example, filling a birth control pill prescription for a patient born in 1990 makes me feel old. Seeing that a lot of my Facebook buddies have children who are teenagers also makes me feel old. Nothing, however, makes me feel aged like looking in my medicine cabinet and seeing this lovely collection of gastrointestinal relief products.

 

Why is it that every single morsel of food and drop of liquid either causes my chest to burn, my tummy to bloat, or my butt to sing? It is patently unfair for my precious Diet Dr. Pepper to make me look five months pregnant. Ok, I'm through ranting...it's potty time.

Grrrrr........

I am grouchy. Thankfully I am neither green nor fuzzy, and since Mr. Lipstick mopped tonight, I no longer feel like I am living in a trash can.

Work in Progress

For someone who feels disappointed by going to bed at a decent hour, I have had an epiphany. It turns out that the following is true:

IF you wake up at 6, work out with Jillian, pharm all day, and feed and bathe two little ones, THEN you will fall asleep while holding your precious laptop and trying to think of funny-enough comments for your favorite bloggers.

I have also discovered that working out in the morning can eradicate any time you may have previously used for flat-ironing your hair. I have worn a ponytail three times this week. I've got to work on that.

Another casualty has been my manicure...or lack thereof. Do you ever look at your nails and raggedy cuticles mid-day and think, "I WILL fix that tonight!" only to pass out on the couch and find yourself looking at even more decrepit nails the next day? This may or may not have happened to me this week, but just between you and me, I am going to hunt down my Sally Hansen cuticle remover today.

Now for a quick, informal, and unscientific survey...
What kind of vacuum cleaner do you have and do you like it? Lipstick, why would you ask such a thing, you may be wondering. Well, Mr. Lipstick wants to buy this.This benign-looking device with its friendly little face is actually a commercial-grade vacuum cleaner. I think it is too expensive and that it looks heavy and unwieldy. Mr. Lipstick is painfully frugal, but paradoxically prefers to have the commercial version of all normal household items. He mounted a vigorous campaign for the Numatic Henry yesterday and was genuinely shocked that I wasn't...um, on board.

First, an American

I have just as much Obama-fatigue as any other fan of John McCain. I didn't vote for our new president, so today is just not as magical for me as it for millions of other Americans. That, however, is precisely the reason that I am so proud of our country. Take a look at this AP photo.

What was so remarkable about today for me was something that is pretty uncommon throughout the world and downright rare throughout history. I'm talking about the peaceful transfer of power.

At noon today, the Bush presidency ended and the Obama presidency began. All of this occurred without conflict, bloodshed, or even being off schedule. It was not only peaceful, but it was ceremonious, regal, and wrought with tradition. Our new president placed his hand on the same Bible as Abraham Lincoln and was sworn into the most powerful position in the world. Bush went home to Texas, but not before leaving a hidden letter for Obama in the White House. It's tradition, after all, and we Americans cherish it.

I am a Republican, but first of all, I am an American. I am proud of our country, I am excited that so many millions of people are energized about politics, and I keep trying to imagine what it must be like to have experienced Jim Crow and Barack Obama in the same lifetime. I love this country, and I don't take for granted the experience of living here.

The Usual Monday

6:23 am - Shred with Jillian.
6:37 am - Think how I like the ab exercises because I can lay down. Observe that I need to mop.
6:39 am - Experience extreme fatigue. Forget about the floor.

8:49 am - Try to ignore that I am in kid-withdrawal and that I miss my babies.
8:58 am - Answer the phone with, "this is the pharmacist...how may I help you?"

1:37 pm - Devour lunch and Chapter Five of Twilight. Wonder how we are all so interested in this teenager-ey book. Decide that it doesn't matter because the book is just that good.

5:35 pm - Navigate through the new Publix. Enjoy how clean and shiny it is.

7:05 pm - Finish cooking while Mr. Lipstick and freshly bathed kiddies come downstairs.

8:09 pm - Sad that it is bedtime for the kids.
8:11 pm - Giddy from all the hugs and slobbery kisses.

9:04 pm - Engrossed in "House." Love that it is more fun with Mr. Lipstick.

10:47 pm - Procrastinate laundry and turn on laptop again. Decide cure for writer's block is to post pictures of the kids.

What is up with Infomercials?

Why are they so addicting? I am embarrassed to say that I really like them (except those rotisserie ones). Of course, anything with ShamWow Vince is an instant hit for me, and lately I have been sucked into those P90x ads. The "after" pics are pretty hot. Another one that I have seen a million times is Sheer Cover mineral makeup.Have any of y'all ever tried it? I would like to look like an airbrushed mannequin the way Leeza Gibbons does, but of course, I can't order it without consulting all of my cyber-buddies.

If Momma Ain't Happy....

Ain't nobody happy. It was SEVEN degrees on my way to work this morning. Since this frigid weather hasn't been accompanied by any nice, Southern, city-stopping snow, I am pretty grouchy about it. By the time I got home from work, I was extremely grumpy. Look what precious Mr. Lipstick showed me to cheer me up.

He's baaaaack! It's Sham-Wow Vince hawking some other necessity.I do love The Vince, but even I have to admit that this picture is a little creepy. The infomercial is to die for though.

Now for an exercise update, 'cause I know y'all just can't wait...today was Day Three of my attempt at getting toned and gorgeous. I felt too sore for Jillian, so I decided to see what Fitness TV on Comcast had to offer. I began with Tank Top Arms. It was too easy. I am sure I only think this because of the previous two days of Jillian.

Next was Flirty Girl Fitness-Booty Beat. Oh my...what a complete waste of time. Not only was it absurdly easy, words cannot express how ridiculous I felt doing it. This *may* be useful if you are about to turn 21, plan on hitting the clubs, and need some, um, "dance moves."

Last was Pilates Abs. It was soooo hard. The only problem...it was soooo boring. I guess I got a decent enough workout, but I should have just gone with Jillian. Sigh. Oh, well-live and learn.

So what is your favorite workout video of all time? Mine is still Cindy Crawford "The Next Challenge."My college roommates and I used to do this workout all the time. It is the perfect workout if you have 65 minutes to spare. Maybe I am biased, but I don't think it looks outdated even though it was released 16 years ago. Yep, 16 years ago. Raise your hand if you feel old. Me too.

ETA: Tonight when I was telling JBB goodnight, he gently patted my stomach. Then he said, "I like to touch your tummy, Mommy. It's soft...like a pizza." I laughed the equivalent of twenty crunches.

Exercise the Demon...

This house is clear! Remember "Ace Ventura"? I love that movie. I mean, loooooove the movie and can quote the whole thing. It is a rather charming quality of mine. Mr. Lipstick thinks it's obnoxious, but whatever.

So, this morning was Day One of Jillian. It's not called "Thirty Day SHRED" for nothing, but, you know, I loved it. All of the moves are really easy. Hold on before you exit Lipstick-land in disgust...easy as in not difficult to understand or follow. You don't have to stare at Jillian the whole time to follow along.

This has been a vitally important quality to me since the Tae Bo days. I had a friend in pharmacy school who got the most amazing and ripped look from Tae Bo. Of course, I had to order the whole set (of VHS tapes, no less). Turns out I am SO left-handed that I could only do the kicks with my right leg while balancing on my left. Since I didn't want to be lean on one side and jiggly on the other, those tapes were just dust collectors.

I am sore already. I'm sure tomorrow will be even worse, but I can't wait. I enjoyed this workout so much that I *almost* did it again tonight. I decided that was ridiculous right before I passed out on the couch at 8:30.

Simon's Teeth Are Too White

I am embarrassed at how happy I am that American Idol is back! I don't know why I like this show so much...I really don't. It's sort of like a smashed car on the side of the road accompanied by many flashing lights...it simply can't be ignored.

In other news, I received my latest order from Amazon today, and boy, am I excited about that. I am feeling pretty frumpish and fugly these days, and since no self-improvement plan can be complete without losing a little weight, I ordered some Jillian.

For the days when I am so sore from Jillian that I need something easy low-impact, I ordered some Tahitian Cardio.

And finally...presenting the 2009 Hello Kitty calender.
Goodnight, y'all. I'm off to shred with Jillian as soon as House is over and I'm through with my popcorn.

Chateau Regale

A few weeks before the holidays, Mrs. Regal hosted a Christmas brunch for the ladies of my parent's church. Like any pre-Christmas gathering of Southern Christian women, there were many attendants wearing sweaters like this one.There is something kind of funny and charming about these sparkly things. Mrs. Regal, of course, was very chic in black.

When Nonna, Mommy Lipstick, Pretty Girl, and I arrived, the kitchen was filled with smiling faces and the smell of apple cider. There was a dizzying variety of scrumptious food and no shortage of ladies to ooh and aah about how much Pretty Girl had grown. After everyone was finished eating, we played Dirty Santa with ornaments. Mommy Lipstick, Mrs. Regal, Pretty Girl, and I sat in the back corner of the room, and graciously encouraged everyone else to go first. A little strategery goes a long way during Dirty Santa. Soon the entire event was over, and only we, Mrs. Regal, and Mother Regal were left.

That's when the party really began. Mrs. Regal graciously gave us a home tour, closets and all. The Regal House is situated on a couple of hundred acres in the country. It is palatial, but not ostentatious; beautiful, formal, yet welcoming. The decor is exquisite, but perhaps most stunning is the beautiful countryside visible from every window and every alcove. I felt tranquil and privileged-the way you feel when you are entrusted with a secret. Here is a picture that is Regal-esqueand here is a picture that Mrs. Regal took of us.

I also took a picture of Mrs. Regal and Mother Regal. I don't think Mrs. Regal would like me to post it, because she is a rather private person, as most regal people are. That only makes the next thing even more remarkable. Mrs. Regal is an accomplished pianist. She has a baby grand piano in the parlour, and she played a few pieces that she had written. Mommy Lipstick, Pretty Girl, and I danced around, carefree and relaxed, enjoying the melodic treasure of her creativity. Mr. Regal's arrival and Pretty Girl's need of a nap marked the close of our private party.

It was a wonderful day and the memory of it makes me happy. I have admired Mrs. Regal's style and talent for many years, and spending the afternoon with her was just as cool as I had imagined.

Vroom

Dream Car


P.S. A real post arrives tomorrow!

R.M.D.

Still up. Still lit.

I am the Redneck Moment of the Day.

Mother Lipstick is blushing and Nonna is saying, "oh, Sweetie! Take that tree down!" I will...but it's gonna make me sad.

ETA: Oh and by the way, the tree with the colored lights in my foyer...it's still up too.

Seriously

OK, just what is wrong with me? I cannot function without an insane amount of caffeine. I am either jittery or asleep. I think I have Two-small-children-itis.

The Darling of my DVR

I have a confession. I have a new crush. Of course, I haven't forgotten my first love Sly, but I have fallen into serious like with Hugh Laurie and his sexy jackass TV persona Gregory House (new on FOX and reruns on USA).I set a series recording on the DVR and thanks to two holiday marathons...we now have 31 episodes recorded. Yes, it is driving Mr. Lipstick crazy, and my head is spinning from spending every free moment immersed in a TV hospital. Now that the little ones are in bed, I *should* be doing laundry and cleaning and finding new recipes and ironing and exercising and organizing, but my current New Year's resolution is simply to clean out the DVR. That's not so bad, is it?

Full Circle

Tonight Mr. Lipstick took JBB and a friend to Chuck E. Cheese for supper and general mayhem. Yes, I am married to one of the bravest men alive. This whole thing is especially remarkable since Mr. Lipstick has just recovered from a vicious case of the flu.

When they got home tonight, JBB completely melted. He threw his clothes on the floor and told me that I was "silly." Only intervention by Mr. Lipstick and the threat of losing his newly acquired Power Rangers made JBB semi-compliant through bathtime.

I was angry at JBB's meltdown, and of course, we couldn't ignore it. At the same time, I was laughing inside because this whole scene seemed like it happened yesterday. Actually, it wasn't so much like yesterday as it was about 26 years ago.

Mommy and Daddy Lipstick took my best friend Ashley and me to Chuck E. Cheese and to see a movie. We even got candy at the theatre. I got an AstroPop.It was a magical day.

When we got home, I had the mother of all meltdowns. I remember it to this day. I still feel guilty about it too. I can only imagine how frazzled they were after all that AND my friend spent the night too. Apparently Chuck E. Cheese is still the single most exhausting activity for kids. I guess some things just never change.